Harry Potter Answering Machine Messages
by crystal tiara
Summary: What would the Harry Potter characters have to say if they ever owned answering machines? Read on and find out!
1. Chapter One

**Harry Potter Answering Machine Messages**   
by Crystal Tiara17 

Disclaimer: You know who owns Harry Potter. And I don't mean You-Know-Who, for the ignorant. 

Summary: When you leave a message on the answering machines of the HP characters, what do the answering machines say? Is it just "You have reached the home of Harry Potter. Leave a message after the beep."? Oh, you'll find out soon enough. 

HARRY POTTER   
"Hi, this is Harry Potter. I'm busy for now, but leave a message if you please. If this is Hermione, please help me with my homework. If this is Ron, sure, I'd like to stay at your house again. If this is Malfoy, Lockhart (in case you're back from St. Mungo's), Rita Skeeter, Voldemort, a Death Eater, Snape, the Dursleys or a Slytherin, screw you and hang up. NOW. If it's about Quidditch, I'll be reporting for practice soon, whoever the new captain is. If you're one of my teachers, I didn't do it (whatever it is) and I turned in all my homework so you have no reason to ask for my homework. If this is Snuffles, hi! If this is Colin, go away and don't bother me. If this is Cho, I want a date! If you're one of those fans who want to see my scar or get my autograph, the answer is no and I didn't ever date you, and I wouldn't, even in your wildest fantasies. Now, if you're someone else, just leave a message after the--- *BEEP*" 

HERMIONE   
"Good day. This is Hermione Granger. I am busy with my homework, and I can't attend to your phone call now, so just leave a message after the beep. Press 1 for homework help, 2 if you're Viktor Krum or Ron, 3 for miscellaneous talk, 4 if you're one of my teachers, and hang up if you are Fleur Delacour or Malfoy. Have a nice day." 

RON   
"HELLO! HELLO? THIS IS RON WEASLEY, AND I---I---UM, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE A PHELLYTONE OR AN ANSWERING MACHINE OR WHATEVER YOU CALL IT! SAY WHATEVER YOU SAY AFTER THE BEEPING SOUND, LIKE THIS: 'BEEP'. BUT IF YOU'RE MALFOY, YOUR PHELLYTONE WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN 3 SECONDS. WAIT, AM I SPEAKING LOUD ENOUGH?" 

MALFOY   
"You've just reached the home of the richest wizard family, the Malfoys, who also happen to have the purest blood ever. I'm sure you think that calling here is an honor. However if you're a Muggle or a Mudblood, I don't see anything honorable about it, so hang up if you don't want to receive a free Crucio Curse with an Avada Kedavra too. You too, Potter and Weasley and all the other Gryffindorks out there. Make any prank calls and you'll hear from my father. He is the most respected person in the wizarding world. And you, Pansy Parkinson, you're not an exception, you hear me? I don't give a damn about the fact that you're a Slytherin. And for all you girls out there, no, I don't want to wear leather. Now if you'll just kindly leave a----oh, dammit! I've run out of time---*BEEP*" 

OLIVER WOOD   
"This is Oliver Wood, the best Quidditch player in Hogwarts and ex-team captain of the Quidditch team of Gryffindor. Before you leave a message, I'd like you to hear about my victories at Hogwarts and all my plans. Why, when I was a mere young child---*BEEP* (*sounds in the background are heard*: WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO BUY AN ANSWERING MACHINE WITH ONLY A FEW SECONDS LEFT FOR ME TO SPEAK?!) 

GINNY WEASLEY   
"Ginny Weasley speaking. Is that you, Harry? Press all the numbers on the phone if it's you and you can speak to the love goddess herself (*sounds of laughing in the background*). Okay, that's all!" 

FRED AND GEORGE   
"We're Gred and Forge, or Fred and George, the greatest pranksters of all time since Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. If you're here to order something from Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, press 1. If you're Lee Jordan, press 2. If you're Angelina Johnson, press 3. If you're Alicia Spinnet, press 4. If you're here to leave a message for Fred, press 5. If it's for George, press 6. If it's for both of us, press 7. If you want a free sample of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes stuff, press 8. If you want a Hogwarts toilet seat, press 9, and 0 if what you want to say is not whatever is listed here. And remember, we are the original pranksters FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER!" 

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM   
"Um, hi? I'm Neville. Why don't you leave a message while I find Trevor, my toad? By the way, have you seen Trevor?" 

CRABBE AND GOYLE   
"Duh, this is Crabbe, and duh, this is Goyle. Duh, we don't know what to do. Bye." 

DUDLEY DURSLEY   
"This is Dudley. If you're here to bring me food or gifts, leave a message. If not, forget it." 

MINERVA McGONAGALL   
"Hello. This is Professor McGonagall. Press 1 if you are here to ask about the lesson. Press 2 if it's about turning in your homework or anything about homework. Press 3 if you're Albus Dumbledore or a teacher. Press 4 if you're Miss Granger, and don't even think of leaving a message if you're a prank caller because I'll give you detention once I know who made the prank call." 

SIRIUS BLACK   
"Sirius Black here. Shhh...don't tell anyone! I'm kind of in hiding now, so, you know what to do. Leave a message. Though if you're Pettigrew, prepare to die." 

VOLDEMORT   
"I am Voldemort, the Dark Lord and the greatest person in the world. I'm busy taking over now so leave a message and I'll Avada Kedavra you later. As for you Death Eaters, meeting later, seven o' clock, Knockturn Alley!" 

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE   
"Hello there! This is Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts. Most of the time I am busy, so I suggest that you leave the message and I'll call you back later. Please do not make any prank calls or I will ask the teachers to give you a detention! If this is Harry Potter, tell me what problem you're having now. Maybe I can help. If you'e a parent of a magical child who still has not received a letter from Hogwarts, don't worry, it'll be coming soon. Goodbye and have a nice, happy day." 

PETER PETTIGREW   
"I'm Pettigrew. Leave your message at once because I'm hiding, okay? Don't even think about leaving a message if you're Sirius Black, though. And no death threats! If you're the Master, I'm so sorry! I promise what happened before will never happen again!" 

A/N: Snape's, Lupin's, Fleur's, Krum's, and some other characters' messages will be coming in future chapters. Don't worry, this isn't the end of this fic. R/R, okay! 


	2. Chapter Two

**Harry Potter Answering Machine Messages**   
by Crystal Tiara17 

Disclaimer: You know who owns Harry Potter. And I don't mean You-Know-Who, for the ignorant. 

Summary: When you leave a message on the answering machines of the HP characters, what do the answering machines say? Is it just "You have reached the home of Harry Potter. Leave a message after the beep."? Oh, you'll find out soon enough. 

SEVERUS SNAPE   
"This is Severus Snape speaking. I can't answer your calls now so you know what to do unless you're a stupid idiot like Longbottom or something. Press 1 if you're Potter, Weasley, Granger, Longbottom or a Gryffindor and the phone will automatically hang up. Press 2 if this is my fanclub and your phone will hang up if I'm not in the mood. Press 3 if you're here for Death Eater talk. Press 4 if you're Dumbledore or a teacher. Press 5 if you're Mr. Malfoy. Press 6 if you need homework help, but 50 points from your house if you're a Gryffindor for not paying attention. Press 7 if this is Lupin (Don't get impatient about that potion now, patience is a virtue!). Press 8 if you're those salesmen who sell hair care products. Do you have something that will make my hair un-greasy? Press 9 if you're not one of these people, and press 0 and hang up at once if you're here to make a prank call. 100 points if you're a Gryffindor. *beep*" 

REMUS LUPIN   
"You've just reached the phone of Remus Lupin a.k.a. Moony. It's a full moon today so don't bother calling. I'm going to be *very* busy. Have a nice day! *low growling sounds are heard*" 

MOANING MYRTLE   
"Hello, this is Moaning Myrtle---oh, wait, I get it. You're here to tease me, aren't you? Let's all leave silly messages on Myrtle's answering machine just because she's dead! Hahahaha! Fifty points if it uses up all the recording time! Well, what a lovely game, I **don't** think! Don't bother leaving a message! Goodbye!" 

MARY SUE (I just had to add this in! Don't read if you like Mary Sues. Very sarcastic!)   
"*in a very beautiful, twinkling voice that made all the angels stop and listen* Oh, hello, this is Mary Sue, the most perfect girl in the world. I'm very, very busy. I have to find out all my deep dark secrets and help defeat Voldemort and manage to win the hearts of the entire HP male population and be envied and highly coveted by the female population. I also have to finish my homework, which, I calculate, will only take 1.00000 seconds all in all, and do my beautiful, perfect nails, dye my perfect hair, and give tips to girls on how to look beautiful and perfect like me! So, in short, all you have to do is leave a message! All you have to do is say what you want after the beep, and I'll be able to hear your message (A/N: As if we don't know, Mary Sue!). Have a very, very, very nice day! I love you all! I really---*beep*" 

DOBBY   
"Dobby is busy doing his punishment now. Dobby have no time to listen to phone call. Dobby just want you to leave message after beep. Oh, no, Dobby's master is very angry now! Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby! Wait, Dobby have no master now, have he?" 

LUCIUS MALFOY   
"Lucius Malfoy here. I'm busy at a Death Eater's mission, at the same time plotting to help the Dark Lord take over the world, so I have no time to listen to your stupid talk. Press 1 and die if you're a Muggle or a Mudblood. We'll attend to your burial. If not, you know what to do. Leave a message after the beeping sound." 

(from Ice, Draco and Jeff Hardy's Girl a.k.a. sexyslytheringirl)  
"Here's the answering machine. You know what to do with it, unless you've been living under a rock. In that case, I suggest you drop dead. If you are a hot guy, leave your phone number and I'll get back ASAP. If you are a cash collector of some sort, I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND GUT YOU LIKE A FISH! That is all. ::beep is heard::" 

PROFESSOR TRELAWNEY   
"I KNEW you'd call! I saw this coming! It is rather unfortunate that I cannot attend to your calls. Do you need a psychic to help you in anyway? Think you have the Grim? Need some tea leaves reading? Then you've come to the right place. Leave your message and I shall call you when I have the time. In the meantime let me tell you your fortune...aaaah...my Inner Eye says that you---you have the Grim, my child! *beep*" 

FLEUR DELACOUR   
"'Allo, zis is Fleur Delacour. I am very beezy doing zome things and I 'ave no time to answer your calls. 'Owever I got zis new answering machine, latest on zee market, but I don't really know 'ow to use it, so 'Arry, if you're calling, I need some 'elp now. I zink you know what to do anyway." 

COLIN CREEVEY   
"Yay! Dad got us an answering machine! Leave a message after a beep, all right, Harry? Since I know you're probably the only one who'd bother to call me! I really could use some pictures of you and your autograph, by the way!" 

GILDEROY LOCKHART   
"Hello! This is magical, marvelous me, Gilderoy Lockhart, famous author of numerous books including _Magical Me_, _Year With the Yeti_, _Gadding with Ghouls_, and many, many more! So sorry that I haven't got the time to return or answer your calls! I mean, being a world-famous author isn't all leisure, you know. We don't spend our entire life living in the lap and luxury. We work hard for glamor and fame! No guts, no glory! (A/N: *coughcoughcough*) So, leave your message and I'll call you back." 

VIKTOR KRUM   
"Hi, I'm Viktor Krum, a world-famous Qudditch player. Herm-own-ninny, if that's you calling, I'd like a date very, very soon. If this is my fan club, press 1 to receive my autograph and 2 to leave a message. If this is Karkaroff or whoever the new Headmaster is, press 3. If this is my Qudditch team or Ludo Bagman, press 4. If this is the annoying Skeeter woman, go to hell and press 5. Your phone will blow up in your face. Press 6 if you're someone else. Goodbye!" 


End file.
